SqueezeMyHandandI’llTellYouthatILoveYou
玛丽·马尔丹特/MaryMarte
Reberwhenyouwereachildandyoufellandhurtyourself?Doyoureberwhatyourotherdidtoeasethepa?MyraceRose,wouldpickup,carrytoherbed,sitdownandkissy“owwie.”Thenshe’dsitonthebedbeside,takeyhandhersandsay,“Whenithurts,squeezeyhandandI’lltellyouthatIloveyou.”OverandoverI’dsqueezeherhand,andeachti,withoutfail,Iheardthewords,“Mary,Iloveyou.”
Sotis,I’dfdyselfpretendgI’dbeenhurtjttohavethatritualwithher.AsIgrewup,theritualged,butshealwaysfoundawaytoeasethepaandcreasethejoyIfeltanyareaofylife.Ondifficultdaysdurghighschool,she’dofferherfavoriteHersheychotealondbarwhenIreturnedhy20s,MooftencalledtosuggestaspontaneopiichatEstabrookParkjttocelebrateawar,sunnydayWisns.Ahandwrittenthank-younotearrivedtheailaftereverysglevisitsheandyfatheradetoyhofhowspecialIwastoher.
ButtheostorableritualreaedherholdgyhandwhenIwasachildandsayg,“Whenithurts,squeezeyhandandI’lltellyouthatIloveyou.”
One,whenIwasyte30s,follogavisitbyyparentsthenightbefore,yfatherphonedatwork.Hewasalwaysandgandclearhisdires,butIheardnfionandpanichisvoice.“Mary,sothg’swrongwithyourotherandIdon’tknowwhattodo.Pleaseeoverasquicklyasyou.”
The10-utedrivetoyparents’hofilledwithdread,wwhatwashappengtoyother.WhenIarrived,IfoundDadpacgthekitandMolygontheirbed.Hereyeswereclosedandherhandsrestedooach.Icalledtoher,trygtokeepyvoiceascalaspossible.“Mo,I’here.”
“Mary?”
“Yes,Mo.”
“Mary,isthatyou?”
“Yes,Mo,it’s.”
Iwasn’tpreparedforthequestion,andwhenIheardit,Ifroze,notknogwhattosay.
“Mary,aIgogtodie?”
TearswelledupsideasIlookedatylovgtheresohelpless.
Mythoughtsraced,untilthisquestioncrossedyd:WhatwouldMosay?
Ipaedforaontthatseedlikeaillionyears,waitgforthewordstoe.“Mo,Idon’tknowifyogtodie,butifyouo,it’sokay.Iloveyou.”
Shecriedout,“Mary,Ihurtsouch.”
Aga,Iwonderedwhattosay.Isatdownbesideheronthebed,pickedupherhandandheardyselfsay,“Mo,whenithurts,squeezeyhandandI’lltellyouthatIloveyou.”
Shesqueezedyhand.
“Mo,Iloveyou.”
Manyhandsqueezesand“Iloveyou”passedbeeenyotheranddurgtheoyears,untilshepassedawayfroovariancer.Weneverknowwhenourontsoftruthwille,butIdoknownowthatwhentheydo,whoverI’with,Iwillofferyother’ssweetritualofloveeveryti.“Whenithurts,squeezeyhandandI’lltellyouthatIloveyou.”
小时候跌倒了受伤后的情形，你还记得吗？还记得妈妈是怎样抚慰我们的伤痛吗？在这种情形下，我的妈妈雷格斯·罗斯就会把我抱起，放到她的**，亲吻我摔痛的地方。然后坐在我身旁，握住我的小手说：“痛的时候，握紧我的手，我会告诉你我爱你。”一次又一次，我握紧了她的手。无一例外的是，每次我都能听到她说：“玛丽，我爱你。”
我发现，有时自己假装受伤，那样做只是为了得到她这样的抚慰。尽管这种抚慰的形式伴随着我的成长而有所变化，但是她总会找出一种方法抚慰我的伤痛，增加我生命中各个角落的欢乐。高中生活中那些艰难的日子里，妈妈会在我回家的时候给我准备好她最喜欢的“荷西”巧克力。20岁的时候，妈妈时常会打电话给我，提议去易斯特布鲁克公园野餐，庆祝威斯康星州温暖明媚的日子。妈妈和爸爸来我家探望我之后，便会有一张手写的感谢便条邮寄过来，那是为了提醒我：对她来说，我这个女儿是多么重要。
然而，最令我记忆深刻的抚慰，还是小时候妈妈握着我的手说：“痛的时候，握紧我的手，我会告诉你我爱你。”
我30多岁的一天早晨，爸爸在我上班的时候打来电话。爸爸做事一向有条不紊，但那天我从他的声音中听出了慌乱不安。要知道，前天晚上妈妈和爸爸刚来看望过我。爸爸说：“玛丽，你妈妈出了点儿问题，可是我不知道该怎么办。你尽快回来吧。”
开车到父母家的10分钟车程中，恐惧充斥着我的头脑。一路上，我都在猜测着妈妈出了什么事。到家的时候，我看到父亲正在厨房里忙，而妈妈则躺在**。她闭着双眼，双手放在胃上。我用尽可能平静的声音轻唤她：“妈妈，我在你身边呢。”